Tearful thoughts~

Tonight I sat in my room crying again after numerous days of sweet happiness....
not because of him or relationship problems....
but because of my thoughts that I cannot let go....

It started when I told my mum that I wanted to go to Pulau on the 1st of May....
all she answer me was a "no" word....
cuz according to her...my dad would never allow me and it's too dangerous since I do not know how to swim...
I tried to explain to her this and that....
and I told it's impossible that I am going there alone....
In the end she was not satisfied and asked me to go ask my dad myself then....
DAMN~I know what the outcome is going to be even if I did not ask them.....

Just then she asked my brother whether he has class in school tomorrow(Saturday)....
My brother said that it's meeting day tomorrow and there would be no class available.....
and he will head to town since there are no class tomorrow...
To my surprise, my mum just nodded her head and did not give any comments....

Feeling moody, I head into my room and sit by my bed listening to some musics....
looking at the form 5 thick revision books I still have in my rack made me thinking back of my days in secondary....
when I was the same age as my brother today...which was 17 years old....some 4 years ago.....
I can't even head down to town whenever I want....
Every saturday I would stayed at school for co-curriculum activities and hardcore tuition session with my teachers.....
And I hardly go down to town cuz my parents said that it will distract my attention on studying....
I even reject everytime when my friends invited me to go on any parties or special occasions....
All I do back then to release my tension is only go dance DDR with my bao bei Bridget and ji mui Sarah...

Now, looking at my brother....
he can go town whenever he wants....played computer whole day long without doing any homeworks or revisions....
hang out with friends in parties and occasions....
and even return home at 8p.m.....
my curfew back then was 5p.m....swt~

I finally finished SPM and secondary later after struggling the whole year....
having migraines struck everytime I'm having exams in school....
you just have to ask my classmates how many times I vomit in class during exams period and you can already predict how is my condition during exams....
some of them said that I had panic attacks but I knew it's only tensions that cause my migraines to strike....
Luckily my SPM went on smoothly and I'm in extra good condition during that period....
I passed my SPM and even got an A in my art....
well~~I took up Pendidikan Seni for my extra subject in SPM....since all I love is art....
and I was so thrilled when I got an A for it....
I thanked my art teacher for guiding me in the process of doing the pretty batik....and giving me tips on which drawing to target during exam.....
lol~I still remember that I always skipped doing his homeworks and exams cuz I don't even have enough time for doing it since all those science and math stuffs are filling up all my timetable....
I MADE IT SIR~!I GOT AN A~!

All these happy thoughts came crashing down when my parents won't allow me to continue my studies in art....
Sitting there thinking back those days...
I think I helped to crash my own dreams.....
I was so interested in interior designs back then....
always went to the state library to borrow books about it....
went to almost all the interior thingy exhibitions.....
got so excited just looking at the floorplans of houses.....
collected house pictures from magazines and newspapers....
and even drew out dream house plans for my friends...where we made plans that we are going to stay together in it later in life...
I still had it here inside my files....
Thinking that I would just go take up interior design course after my SPM....it would be a perfect choice to fulfill my dream.....

Ending up in form 6 was nothing that I had in mind....
and I still can't believe I really did it now for after a few years....
Should I blamed myself for taking up this route in my life??
I listened to my parents' every word and I followed what they had prepared for me.....
In other words, I do not have my own thoughts....well...even if I do I did not follow it....
Maybe it's my fault as well for not brave enough to stand out and state my points....
I tried many times to talk to them back then....
taking so many leaflets and brochures just to show them....
and explaining what can I benefit from it.....
All my efforts are useless and they still stand firm with their own point of view....
And I always end up quarelling with them every single time I start up this conversation....
Leaving me sitting in my room crying to sleep....
I tried so many times and it failed everytime I tried.....
I guess I got really tired of it in the end and decided to give up....sobs~

what I did back then end up in zero....
I started drawing since I was small.....
Even picked up the colour pencils and start doing colouring stuffs before I enter kindergarten....
I entered numerous drawing competitions since kindergarten....
and I think my parents are the ones who planted the drawing seed in me....
all my friends said that I had drawing talents in me naturally since I was borned....
cuz I never took up any drawing classes before....I just draw what I wanted out from my heart...
I started to fell in love with drawing when my kindergarten teacher asked me to take part in the Mother's day drawing competition....
and it was my first ever drawing competition....

Today, I looked at the pencils and colours which I used to use in my schooling days....
I realised I can't even draw that smoothly anymore....
I only manage to pick up the pencils and do nothing with it...
it's past one year since I last draw anything out from my pencils....
Guessed my fingers had lost it's dance movements on the paper...
I lost confidence on my drawing and I wonder whether I still had that natural inspriration in me....
I stop my studies after finishing form 6....since my STPM results was very poor....
I can't even make myself qualified for any government universities entry....
and I am not rich enough to make myself enter neither any private higher institutions nor going overseas....
I knew I was not the seed for science stuff....I just forced myself to do it in order to satisfied my parents....
Since they never understands me and would never believe or put their trust in me....
They always felt that what they planned for me was the best....they never support what I wanted to do for myself....
now that they finally see the results....they left me all alone to do things on my own.....
no more orders and plans after form 6....
sometimes I felt like a lost kid....dunno where should I go or what should I do next.....
cuz I gave up doing what I liked and I failed to achieve what was planned....
what now?stuck in the middle of nowhere and doing nothing?
there is no more turning point for me in this stage....

I started working and had entered the working adult society....
most of my friends were still doing their higher level studies at other parts of the world some in west malaysia some overseas...
I looked at my brother thinking that he is so much more luckier than me....
and I thinked that my parents listened more to him than me....
I still remembered I once begged my parents with tears to enter SM LOK YUK back then and they still would not listen to me.....
My brother only said "I want to enter SM LOK YUK cuz all my friends are all there" and they let him entered the school right away....
I went speechless when they bought him anything he wanted...
I never get anything I wanted...even when I requested for something everytime after getting my government exam results....
My parents let him choose what he wanted for....and strictly planned for mine.....
When we were small....they used to canned me more than him....
cuz according to them....it was me who teached him all the bad stuffs and i am not a good example for a little brother....
Me and my brother never talked since a huge fight few years back....maybe it's a good thing....since i'm always the not important one....
memories flashed back and my tears start falling when the song "show me the meaning of being lonely" was being played....
I sat there crying alone til I got tired and fall asleep....