Is this the end for us?

女生在爱里总是会天真的付出一切，毫无保留的给予对方所有自己能给的，却往往在爱情结束之后，才明白自己当初有多么傻。曾经爱得疯狂，不惜一切的付出全部。却在对方的不告而别或是残忍的分手之后，才明白，当时只有自己一个人唱着独角戏，只有自己一个人是如此忐忑的爱着。因为天真、因为信任，换来的却是无情的真相，强求不得的感情总是残酷的令人永远痛着。一如歌词里所写的：你要你的快乐，你是绝对自由的，我只能在你离开后发现，你从来不是我的，在我为你付出一切之后，发现你是你的。

I saw my own reflection when I came across this wordings in Facebook~ It was posted by one of my friend... and OH~ I felt it so much inside~ I really wanted to know is this the end for us already?

Everything came crushing down when I found out I lost the keychain he gave me, which is the first and only gift from him....I tried to find in my room, at the stairs outside my house~ but it turn out zero results.....was it a sign for me? It rains that day, and everytime it rains, I know it's a sign for me that sad things are going to take place.....

Things between us are not going well since after Chinese New Year 2010.....He became so busy until table tennis has actually take over his life.....all he do the whole day was coaching and training~ we seldom meet up after CNY 2010....even SMSes are getting lesser everyday.....first event that comes up is the selection for Sukma.... Sukma has always been his dream~ he was trying his best to get the spot in the selection.....he had a week of tension and stress, training so hard everyday, until he usually forgets about me.....I don blamed him for I knew he was concentrating in his sports.....

He succeed in getting the selection spot to Sukma in June'10.....Great news! Hope to see him play for the state.....I remembered telling him that I wanted to see him in action, and he asked me to follow him to the coming Sabah Open in April.....I thought things got back to normal after the Sukma selection, but it turns out only to be temporary......

The next event on the list is KK Open....probably he was training hard for it too.....and I remembered he once told me that his coaching schedule is getting packed than ever.....he was happy to have more income and more time on table tennis, but at the same time, it only means that he will have lesser time with me~ not even a call anymore~ I tried to stand in his position and see things~ probably it's only that he's putting all his passion in the one thing he likes~ He just don't like to be bothered I guessed~ this kind of loneliness, I will try to get used to it~ because I knew life will always be like this in the future if everything hasn't change.....lucky my pumper frens are supporting me fully~ thanks guys, you all really brightened up my day and helped me get away from my emos~

Everything turns out fine at first when I am trying hard to adapt to this lifestyle, but the longer it is, the WRONG-er things are getting~ he SMSed the other pumpers when he said he was busy til he did not have time to reply my SMSes~ he went to PUMP with the rest of them when he said that he was busy having training~ is he trying to avoid me? why is everything going from bad to worse? He asked me not to show up at KK Open, but later after that, some of our pumper frens asked me why I didn't show up when they were there....I don't get it anymore~ it's like I hardly even knew him anymore~ he's getting further and further away from me~

I am trying my best to be strong enough to withstand the loneliness feeling, feeling dejected inside, trying to fight the feeling til the end.....I waited patiently.....I put my trust and hope cuz I remembered he once told me that I can trust him~ please tell me that this is not over yet..... condition didn seems to get any better once he flew to KL for 2 weeks training~ I first thought that I had already get used to the days where he wasn't beside me, but when there isn't a single SMS or call anymore, the both of us were like total strangers once again~ my hope and trust faded as days passed~

I first became emo when he was still around in KK, I cried when he flew away to KL~ I always prayed for a sign, and this is what I get~ I knew somehow things aren't gonna be right anymore but it hurts to know the truth~ maybe we started things way too fast, or maybe it's destined that he's just a passer-by....and I just cant believe there's nothing I can do to save the relationship~ I tried to hold on, but he doesn't seems to even wanna try to fix it~ I am willing to wait for him patiently, but why does he have to give up so soon? isn't he the one who teaches me the "not giving up" spirit?

After he came back to KK, he will be facing Sabah Open in Sandakan.... I was hoping that he somehow will come look for me when he was back.....but all I get from him is a "sorry" SMS.... I know I should have prepare myself fully to let go, but there's still a lil hope I put on him~ I was wishing so bad that a miracle would happen, and I just wanted to go back to where we first met, that was the sweetest part~ why do things have to end up like this? first, he said he needed some time....okay~ probably he just wanna concentrate on his table tennis thingy~ I don mind~ second, he's kinda avoiding me, which I don really understand why.....why does he has to make our relationship complicated? he doesn't talk to me anymore, not even explaining a single thing bout his doings....and lastly, it's time to give it a conclusion, cuz I cant stand holding on so firm when I knew everything is at it's very wrong position~ it made me so tired and torturing....

" I'm a very bad guy, I'm not good in treating people, really bad at handling everything."
" I am number one at talking, I am number one at doing but counted from below."
" I have many many bad habits, and I am always hurting you without noticing."
" Maybe it's destined that I should be alone, cuz anyone who is with me always end up getting hurt."
" I don't want myself to throw you at the back of my head when I am stressing and concentrating on table tennis."
" I don't want to hurt you for no reason anymore, so I think it's best that we become just friends."

It really hurts to hear the truth....I've always thought that I'm prepared for it for the past one month....but it felt so bad when the whole event really take place....my tears dashed down for him once again....I even missed counted how many times have I cried for him.....all those promises came flashing back, and I hate it when people cant fulfill their promises....it brings out all those old sad memories once again.....cuts my scar once again.....and left me bleeding in pain....did I just repeat the same mistake like before? I rather he try to change everything than to give up just like that~ Honestly, I don like the word "it's better to become just friends"....

Nowadays, we still met each other, PUMP EVENTS and OUTINGS together with the same group of friends, but things are so awkward between us....probably it's true that people said that couples who broke up cant be friends cuz they have been hurt before, and they cant be strangers cuz they have love each other before....our status now? THE FAMILIAR STRANGERS....everyone told me to be steady cuz it's a good breakup, the reason behind it is not because of cheating case, or third party....I should be grateful for that....and yes, I still have feelings for him, once I started a relationship, it's not easy for me to put everything down just like that.....I thought of holding on, with hope that he will turn around and come back.....when everything has settled down for him~ I wished I can wait for him long enough to get him realized everything....

Sukma is coming in June, and he wont be around in KK for the coming days.....I will continue to pray for him, I felt happy for him as well when I found that he got a gold for KK Open and Sabah Open....all his hard works and determination pays off~ table tennis really meant so much for him, and I dun wanna be the reason he failed in it..... if he were to be meant for me, we will surely meet again someday ; but if he is never meant for me, letting go now would be the best option.....

I missed your presence and our memories together everytime I saw your back, I caught you starring back at me when I starred at you, there's something in your eyes that makes me believe that you still cares for me....am I stupid enough to be so in love with you? thinking that I can turn back time?