My First Major Break Up (Part 1)

Should I be happy today? It’s Malaysia’s independence day – 31^st Aug 2009. Guessed I never had thought that it would be my independence day as well.

Everyone should be praising…cuz it’s public holiday…no work no school….sleep and play all you can! As for me, I can’t sleep well since the past few days…I wonder why…I first thought it was PMS….you know…. Girl’s thingy….but in the end of the day I found out that it was not only PMS….it’s something more serious than that….

Morning? Yea, it’s morning when I opened my eyes…and I was already awake at 6am plus….usually I would have been slept dead on a public holiday….it’s still early what~ but today, I was awaken by some uneasy feeling….what to do? I can’t continue sleeping already as something was bothering my mind….I woke up, brush my teeth, wash my face and open Facebook….the one thing that I am addicted nowadays was none other than facebook…..I not sure what got me so into it…cuz I prefer Friendster more than Facebook back then…after that, I guessed it got too bored and I switched to Facebook which is always loaded with tones of fun and updates!

I was thinking to go out with Dear….since it’s holiday….and we haven’t met for the past week….Monday to Friday were our working days so we didn’t went out and Dear didn’t drop by at my house this week….Dear went to Kudat on Saturday and was only backed to KK at Sunday evening…we didn’t manage to see each other either on weekend….But I guessed he was tired after a whole lot things done in the past week…so I didn’t call him up….He would have called me if he wanted to go out….so I continue to look at the computer screen…..

The clock on the wall showed 11a.m….Dear hasn’t call me yet…I knew he was already awake since I saw him online in Facebook since 9a.m something….maybe he was tired and was not thinking to go out…okay then, I got too bored and decided to go wandered and loitered around KK….something is bothering my mind so much until I can’t sit properly and having nasty depressed feelings….I have no idea what was actually causing it…hopefully it will get better when I reached KK later….I was walking and wandering around Asia City Complex when I first reached KK….it’s so damn bored I walk around for almost 5 o 6 rounds inside the complex….there was nothing to do and I am all alone….Just then my phone rang….it was Dear….Okay I thought, maybe he would come and accompany me…to my disappointment he was not so interested to go out….and he sounded so tired….in the end, I told him that I would be fine by myself….since he said he wanted to stay home and fix something in his car….

Wow~ am I so glad to met Paul in center later at 1p.m something….Ezra was there as well and we had lunch together….I finally met Ezra, the guy who made the <> music video featuring Paul….it was a nice video and he got excellent grades for his school project….not to mentioned, he had spent much on the production of the video….. my mood did not got any better but had worsen as time passed….since I was very bored and not feeling to go home so soon, I decided to follow them to One Borneo for a movie….they were planning to go watch <> together with another group of friends……maybe I missed Dear too much cuz I haven’t got the chance to meet him for the whole week….maybe that’s what making me in jumpy mode or should I say DEPRESSED….

Probably a movie would helped to ease me out a lil…..just then, I never knew things would get worse after that…. When I found out Dear was in One Borneo! @.@ WHAT?!

I thought he was fixing his car and getting some rest at home? This doesn’t sound good and my heart beat started to pump faster….he said that he was with his friends…..I didn’t asked much cuz I was in the cinema that time…talking long on the phone would have been disturbing and being un-polite to the person next to you…so I keep it short then…. I couldn’t concentrate on the movie after that….I wished I could just dashed outside and find Dear as soon as possible….but I didn’t….my conditions got worse later after the movie was over and I kept quiet all the way back home….my tears started to pour as I stepped down Paul’s car and walk upstairs to my house…..Something was terribly wrong and I knew I was right…the feeling was so wrong I wished I knew what the hell is going on…..I try to hold back my tears but I just can’t stop crying….

Dear wasn’t like this back then….somehow I felt that something had changed in our relationship lately…after I came back from Malacca….our relationship doesn’t seems to be as closed as before….it’s like there was something is blocking us somehow…..I lost al my thoughts when I reached my room….I switched off both my phones cuz I knew Dear would come straight to my home if he can’t reach me….I couldn’t do anything and I started cry and cry…..After dinner, I took my bath….there was a knock on my door and I knew Dear was here….I knew he will come…and I purposely switched off my phone so that he can come…I couldn’t stand the awful feeling I had already for the whole day….Dear was waiting for me in my room while I finished my bath….he doesn’t looked happy with his face expression….was it sad? worried or angry? Cuz I knew the one thing that he hate is me switching off the phone…..

“what’s wrong?” he asked me when I sat beside him….I shook my head and was waiting for him to say something other than asking me questions…. “why do you turned off your phone?” he asked me again….. I shook my head again…I DON’T WANT QUESTIONS~ “is there anything wrong? You seems different.” He said….I hide my face under the towel as my hair was dripping wet with water….he took the towel and wipe my hair, then took the hairdryer and helped me blow dry my hair….I still remained myself in silence…..

Dear sit in front of me so that I can face to face with him….he looked at me and asked me what is seems to be the problem….I finally opened my mouth and said “You don’t want me anymore is it?” Dear was in a long silence after that…he seem shocked and I saw it…. “You please tell me that is it true that you don’t want me anymore?” My tears fell when I said it the second time….. “You saw me in One Borneo isn’t it?” Dear asked me….WHAT?! WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ONE BORNEO?! UNLESS…………………..

I shook my head cuz I didn’t think much that time….It didn’t even cross my mind what is making him to say that…..he was looking straight into my eyes and asked if I have seen him in One Borneo….I keep on say “no” cuz I really didn’t saw him anywhere in One Borneo…I was only there for the movie and I head straight to home after the movie….Why is he so nervous about One Borneo then? And What did that have to do with my question? I don’t get it and I stared at him cuz I want an answer….. he seems nervous and he doesn’t knew what to do nor answer me….I waited and waited for an answer from him but he avoided it and my question was left un-answered…. He asked me to close my room door cuz we have a serious problem to talk about….I don’t like this feeling at all….It scares me and things are getting worse throughout the day…..

“You want me to say?” “Baby, please don’t cry after this.” “You need to be strong in facing it.” “I want to see you become a successful person and don’t waste your precious time on me.” My tears had started to fall when he said it in clear words…I knew what he was about to say next…cuz it happened before in end of July…it’s the same old words that came out from his lips…. Lastly, he finally blurted it out “I think we should be friends back.” I knew the wordings too well and I wished I didn’t have to hear it the second time….But fate just wouldn’t lose to me…and he did said it again after that day back in July…..WHY? HAVE I DONE ANY WRONG? WHY DO WE HAVE TO END UP LIKE THIS?!WHY?I JUST WANNA KNOW WHY?

Dear only can managed to hug me tight when I started to cry…sorry I can’t promised you to not cry cuz I know my tears would never stopped falling from now on…. I can’t possibly not crying after what had just taken place….it’s cruel to the heart and my heart had scattered once again…..this time I cried even more than the last time….because this time it’s no turning back and the feeling was so hard it’s killing me from inside to outside…words can’t describe the pain until you went through it yourself….I asked him WHY over and over again but he didn’t answer me…not even a single answer was heard…. I was devastated to know the answer….IS IT BECAUSE OF MY STUPIDITY ATTITUDE?? I thought it was my problem which is causing this relationship to come to and end…but Dear just wouldn’t answer me…and I cried even more when there is no replies or answers from him…..

He try to comfort me….but the more he does the more I cry…and in the end he only manage to hug me more tight….I stopped crying once in a while…but I started crying again once I stopped….Dear doesn’t know what else he can do….and we both knew that things can’t be reversed once it had happened…..he tried to say some things to comfort me but I never felt better…..we sat and chat a while more….with tears and without tears....he try to state and give a few reasons…..until his mum called and asked him where he was….I knew he had to go…so I ask him to leave then…..he at first wanted to stay a little longer….what is the purpose of staying here with me when everything is over already? WHAT DO YOU ACTUALLY WANT FROM ME? He stand up and took his things…I opened the door and he left as I stand at the door and watched him….he gave me one last hug and a goodbye kiss before finally walking down the stairs….

I went into my room and nothing was ever the same again…I felt soooooooo empty inside and outside and the pain inside the heart was unbarable~~~~ I hug my boaster hard and hide inside my comforter….tears had started falling since I dunno when....the rain was pouring down so heavy outside....every single drops of rain that pound on my window....I felt my heart being crushed inside for every pound of it....It continue to rain while I continue to cry.....it never stops for the rest of the night….maybe even for the rest of the days to come….…..has it really come to an end? Is it really over just like that? I can't accept anything at all....Please tell me that this is just a dream.....

31/08/09 was the day we broke up; our relationship only lasted for 135 days……