I not sure what was it for but there was a special slide show presentation for everyone in the church...I wondered what actually struck me today since morning but I felt all the wordings hard in my heart when the slide begin.... Wordings such as "Why do God have to take you away from me?" "why do you have to leave me?" "When you're gone I fell so hard" "I hope that you're hurt too cuz I am feeling the pain inside" It's actually a slide about mothers who had left the world....but with all those wordings like that...I felt it too in my heart only in a different aspect....my tears had uncontrollably rolled down my cheeks and I quickly wipe it away as I was still in the church...I wouldn't wanna start breaking down in front of everyone.... I fight against my tears and hoping that it won't fall again....at least let the mass finish first....when the mass is finally over...I hurried grab my things and walked out...
It was cloudy that morning where the sunshine is seen a while and not seen a while....seems like it's playing hide and seek with the clouds....it was windy....and people are starting to leave the church....me?On usual Sunday I would have proceed to the LCCI class in KCC....and of course...he is the one who will come and fetch me...every week waiting for me outside the church....it's his face I see again in my flash back as I walked outside....I speed up and head for the bus stop....since no one is there anymore to pick me up....while my family are on duty at the church...I had to find my own way to get to another place....which is taking the bus as I do not know how to drive yet....I have to leave here as my eyes had watered and tears start to pour.....
I can's resist it already when I went down from the bus walking along the road towards my home....it was the same road where he used to send me home....now I will be walking alone back to my home....and that's when I started to break down....tears pour down as if it's raining heavily from the clouds....Why do things have to end like this?it's still torturing my heart even until this day...I can't even let go of anything cuz memories of us are everywhere to be seen.... Looking back at the watch....I still remembered the first official day for us was on 19/04/2009....the story was so famous I think all of my frens knew how both of us started our relationship in Tanjung Aru....everyone who heard the story felt the sweetness even when they were just looking at me and hearing stories from me....Time passed so fast and I guessed none of us have ever thought that it only stayed as a part of our memories now.... 
The moment I reached home and closed the door...I finally cried like there is no more tomorrow....I don't even have the strength to stand firm....I sit on the floor...put down everything and cried my heart out like a spoiled child....my house had even more memories of him....he was a regular visitor to my house....my family knew him especially my mum....even after we had already broke up, my mum still always asked me about him....Sorry Mum cuz I didn't tell you the whole story behind us....cuz I knew you will be very disappointed with him if I did....I only wanted you to have a good image of him....just let me have all the pain of the truth....and I know it's gonna take a long time to heal myself from this....
"Promise me that you would never leave me no matter what, You are the only one that I loved, I only wanted you for the rest of my life, I won't let you go under any circumstances, we shall be together forever I promise you that, I love you baby."I remembered this line so clearly cuz this is what he always used to tell me back then in my room...everytime I entered my room,I am sure to hear the line playing back in my mind....and there it goes to another flash back and leading to so many other flash backs....I didn't gave up on you but you are the one who gave up on me....Why do you have to break your promises and did something that I hated the most?!Why do you have to make so many promises and plans for our future if you couldn't keep all of it??I remembered every single words that you told me.....and I keep each and every one of it inside my heart....hoping to see it fulfilled and come true one day later....But instead you crushed it one by one in front of my bare eyes.....I am feeling the stab so hard in my heart over and over.... Don't ask me to forget everything that had happened cuz that is the number one most impossible thing....Don't ask me to be strong and face life plus reminding me that all had happened were mistakes....when you are the only reason I am weak inside, the only reason why my tears pour uncontrollably regardless time and place, and the only reason that had broken my fragile heart into pieces....Don't try to mess up with the feelings or play with the heart cuz it's the most fragile thing inside a human body.....once it's broken and scattered, it will never be complete again....the pain might gone some day but the scar are staying forever....
Remember that you even wished to get engaged next year when you are 21 years old?please don't make promises and vows too early....cuz it's really hurting me a lot when none of it are coming true..... I hated people who played with other people's feeling and hurting others for no reason the most....are you doing that on purpose?You were nothing like this when I first knew you....and it's almost impossible you are someone like this....it never even ever crossed my mind that this will happen....I gave you more than 100% of trust but why do you have to disappoint me in the end?I loved you too much to let go of anything.....I can't even believe that all of these are happening, always hoping that I wake up one day and realized it's only a dream....days passed and I am still hanging on so firm...everyday I looked at my phone wishing that you will called me or even turned up surprisingly downstairs at my house like you always do.....wished that you will say that you needed me so bad and come back to me....everyday I cried to comfort myself in order to feel better cuz I am feeling the emptyness in my heart....I wondered have you really loved me before?have you really put everything down already?What were all those moments that we had together back then?We were so happy and didn't even care what other people are saying.... can you tell me what are all those?are they fake?Am I the only one that is feeling everything inside? Everytime I opened my cupboard....I thought of your mum....cuz she always gave me clothes...and there are all hanging inside my cupboard....I wore each and everyone of it....it fits me so well I liked all of it....even thought of it while I went shopping with my frens cuz they went into the shop where your mum get the clothes from....
Remember the teddy you gave me the other day when you came to say sorry?You said that no one are allowed to say the word "break up" after that....but why do you have to do it in action now?I can't believe that we actually broke up as well in August....only one month after that incident....and it is you who requested it.....again~you choose to break my heart....every night when I climb to bed I saw that teddy and I thought of you...because that was what I hug to sleep every night....and I end up dreaming of you every night and waking up with tears.... Every minute I was thinking that where would you be and what will you be doing at that moment...you used to called me everyday to ask what I am doing....but now....I waited for your calls everyday but I guessed the phone will never show your name on it anymore....I used to sleep after talking to you every night cuz your sound is like a hypnotizing medicine for me....Now, I have to make myself tired in order to have a peaceful sleep at night....cuz i have became and extra light sleeper.....any slight sounds or movements can wake me up....I am no longer the big eater and heavy sleeper you used to know....everyday I leaned and hug the big pillow you used to lean on when you were in my room.....I somehow missed your scent cuz that's what I smell when you hug me or when I hug you....not to mentioned that I missed your hugs and kisses so bad as well....cuz you are the first guy to give me kisses and hugs.....it's impossible to forget even the slightest feeling of it....
"Never say that you are sam ba lao anymore cuz I will bring you to anywhere you wanted to go and never been to"...we have been to tanjung aru,kundasang,lokawi,around kk,my house and your house together....will they be any next?I havent been around the Sabah yet....not even reaching KL together with you....why isn't there any more next?Time to travel alone again....no more plans together....I can't even be there to celebrate your birthday with you....planned and waited for it for months....but none of it has been made to happen in the end....no more together plans since then...."you will never be alone anymore cuz i will always be at you side, you will feel secure cuz i will love you and protect you always" where?I cant see love anymore....the feeling is dead....all I had inside the heart and soul are loneliness and emptyness once again....what had happen to my beloved whitelighter who was always there when i needed him? Will I left my current job?Whenever I step into the office and looked at my boss....it reminded me of you and your dad....your dad was the one that introduced me to the job....and you are the one who brought me to the interview...we were escaping out lunch time that day...and it was a friday (29/05/09)that was when I had the hope to change a new job cuz I was getting tired of my job in Sinsuran...I once thought of quitting the job....cuz everytime I saw my boss...it makes me feeling guilty having to know that he called your dad to found out what had happen to me in the past couple of weeks....it's a good job and i had a pleasant time learning new things from it....I bet it would have sounded so stupid to leave the job because of a personal problem....
Driving lessons?Will get back to it after I have the mood to study and learn.......everyone around us were so aware of us but why does the condition of it had to change now?Isn't everything going so well all these while until everyone thought that we were the perfect sweet young couple.....why do you have to change?You changed isn't it? Friends around....your friends my friends...everyone who knew us were so shocked.....I went speechless....when they asked why....I cant even say the reason properly....Why?I asked myself over and over everyday....I don't get it myself either....Why?and it's pathetic that it has to be like this....some even tried to lend a helping hand hoping to see things being fixed....but yet the ending is still the same....bump into friends of us even while walking on the streets just to do something that can take off my mind for a while there.....guessed the world is a small place for friends....and they are just about anywhere....that was when the most important flash back take place.....my old office in Sinsuran....it was the place that I first knew you....and it was on Valentine's day (14/02/2009)....you used to come pick me up for lunch and when I saw couples walking together it really makes me thought of us back then.....walking together under the umbrella and holding my lunch box....016-8302871?I loved that number too much to let go....it's our number together subbing with mine 016-8302870....we used to talked and SMS for free with it....it has so many conversation memories in it...how could I have the heart to let it go?Thinking back then I even took two three days to look for the perfect number...we were so excited and cant wait for it....cuz talking will be free then after that~!It's conversation spree....now I wondered will I still keep that number with me?
*sigh* Memories~ memories~ flash backs~~~ You were always on my mind....
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