Tears, and tears, other than tears is still tears.....
My tears had never stopped since last night after Dear left my house....
I tried to get some sleeps on my bed....but whenever I closed my eyes....everything keep flashing back...even those words were so clear in my ears....everything just wouldn't let me go.....
The sky is still raining...and it has been raining the whole night since yesterday.....
Was the sky accompany me crying and going through every sadness?
I stare at the ceiling of my bedroom and let my tears flow down my cheeks non-stop....it's already 5:30a.m of 01/09/09.....and I haven't slept for the whole night....I couldn't even get my thoughts clear a bit.....my eyes were swollen and my heart is aching...even my boaster and blanket were wet....I don't know what else I can do....i don't feel like getting out of the bed nor doing anything....I don't even feel like going to work today....everything was at it's worst and I looked like a junk myself....I am lost...I have no directions and no points.....I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO.....
I grabbed my phone and browsed through the friend list....I need to find someone....Usually Dear was the first one I looked for everytime....now i can't....although my fingers wanted to punch those numbers I knew all my life....although my ears wanted to hear his voice so bad....but I knew I can't...the more I thought of him...the more it hurts inside....and I can't even try not to think about him....his shadows are just about everywhere.....I typed a simple message and forward it to a few of my closed girlfriends....I just can't stop my thoughts and the dying feeling inside...I need someone by my side.....
6.00a.m, Yvonne called me...she was worried and asked how was I doing...and she wanted to know what actually happened cuz it happened all of a sudden when everything was doing so well....she don't understand how could things like this had happen when nothing was wrong in the relationship and we never even quarrel before.....I cried when I heard her voice....I wished all of them were just right beside me and give me a huge hug.....but too bad all 4 of them were in Peninsula at that moment.....I told her what happened last night...and I was crying all the way....I hardly even talked much....my hands were shaking and my voice was almost could not be heard.....Yvonne was good in calming people down....she talked me through it and try to calm me down....I was more calmer after talking with her....but it was almost time to wake up and prepare for work by the time I hang up....Will I be able to go through the whole day today with such a condition like this? I hope I can...I will try my best to fight it...but I know it's hard...Yvonne told me to take the day off and have a rest at home since I didn't slept the whole night....but I can't....my boss is not around in the office today so there need to be someone in the office....
I couldn't look or stare at anyone when I reached the office....now that I am working in the new office....there are so many colleagues here....not like before...I will be alone in the room when boss is not around....I went straight up to the second floor and hurried walked into my room...lucky we do have our own rooms here for all the respective sub-company...I couldn't hold back my tears no matter how hard I tried....it keep roll down my cheeks even after I wiped it away with the back of my hands.... STOP IT!! I haven't cried for so long since I don't remember when....the last time I cried before this was the time I was watching "TONG SAM FUNG BOU"...It was when Raymond Lam's character died....and how Xiong Zoi Sam played the saxophone by the sea.... their stories in the movies made me thought of my own real life stories....was it the same case? No....my best friend is not involved in my relationship....it couldn't be happening.....
Loads of work was waiting for me...since today was 01/09/09...it would be the most busiest time of the month for me....many of my friends SMS me throughout the day after they found out what had happened.....the main question they asked was "WHY?" all of them really don't get it at all.....it's like the almost impossible thing to happen..... I cried everytime they called...even my MSN was loaded with IMs....today was not super busy with works but instead super busy with chats....Thanks everyone for calling cuz I know you all cared bout me.... lucky my boss was not around today....for I missed count how many tissue papers I have used up.....
It was still raining dizzling outside when I left the office at 5p.m....guessed the sky was sad as well....Now I loved the rain even more...seems like it knows how I felt as well.....I used to enjoy walking in the rain under the umbrella cuz i think it's romantic....not I enjoyed walking the rain even more because no one knows I am crying under the rain..... The journey from my office back to my home felt so long.....as I continued to cry in the car....I wondered if my dad had noticed anything but my mum knew about it already...she was puzzled herself as well but she can't do anything other than give me some comfort words....it's good that she can take it well....and I'm glad she did.....she didn't comment a lot like she used to do....this time she only kept everything to herself...eventhough I knew deep down inside she has so many questions.....
My room felt so empty and the feeling is never the same again.....it's felt with sadness mood because I can see his shadows everywhere.....everything seems so blurred last night...and it happened just like that in a blink of an eye.....I doesn't even got the chance to think properly or say anything....I was empty and blurred myself as well....came to think back of it...it doesn't make any senses at all....I asked myself over and over WHAT THE HELL HAD JUST HAPPENED? I was so tired I went straight to bed after taking my bath.....I haven't ate much of the food during dinner just now as I couldn't even digest most of the food during lunch...it would be such a waste if I vomit everything out.....better not eat than waste.....I don't felt hungry anyway....there is not even a single inch of feeling already....
Just when I closed my eyes and try to get some sleeps.....my phone rang for the N times.....when I looked at it...."DEAR" was on the screen....I didn't expect this....but honestly, I was wishing and waiting him to call the whole day..... He was just downstairs when he called.....I woke up not feeling any tiredness at all....I opened the door and went out....there he was standing at the third floor of the stairs outside my house.....@.@ "we need to talk" dear said.....so I follow him to the car downstairs cuz he wouldn't want to come in to my house as my parents were there.....
It was silence at first inside the car...and the atmosphere was soooooooo weird.....I don't dare to look at him but he was staing at me the whole time.....all of a sudden he start crying.....I was like @.@?! WHAT'S GOING ON?! my tears started to fall as soon as I looked at him...I guessed we both were hurt....but why is this happening if no one wanted it? It's the first time I saw him crying.....and the more he cries the louder it sounds.....in the end he was crying helplessly....I thought this is what he wanted? to end the relationship? last night he sounded so firm and looked so tough....there isn't any sadness on his face....I was the one who cried like a shit and do not wanted to accept it.....but now, he was like a total different person....he hugged me hard and cried like a total spoiled child....Something must had happened.....
I gently asked him "what's wrong? what happen?" as I rubbed his back like a mum comforting her child...=.=".....he couldn't gathered himself once there.....but when he sounded a bit calm he said "I just went yum cha with Ng" @.@...so it was Ng that made him like this.... "then what did you guys talked about?" "a lot...." his voice disappear after the word "LOT"...he was so shaky I can't even hear what he said.....what did Ng actually told him that had made him become like this? I wondered....I've had so many unclear thoughts in my mind...and i have so many unanswered questions......and now I don't get a thing at all of what is actually happening in front of me....it's too much of everything at the same time....
I tried to comfort him down...make him cry a bit lesser...but he just wouldn't stop crying....I ask him the reason and what did Ng actually told him...he wouldn't want to tell me either....I was left with no choices then but to only comfort him and give him supporting words....I feeling the worst and I know he doesn't felt any better as well with this kind of expression and actions.....All i can heard from his mouth was the word "sorry" and "i am stupid"....he mumbled it from starting to the end for over an hour....other than that, I can't quite hear it... the word "sorry" was the clearest and "i am stupid" was being said for at least more than 50 times.....@.@ I have no idea what was all this about....no answer again for my questions.....I am so so blurry~~~
"Ng asked me is it what I wanted" "He asked me am I doing the right thing" "he told me that you are a good girl and I was so wrong to hurt you" "Ng said that what if she never trust guys anymore because of you" "he asked me to think what have I done to you" "Ng asked if I was treating you seriously or just playing with the relationship" "What is the main reason behind this" Dear blurted some words out when he cried.....I turned out to be the one who is comforting him the whole night.....and he was crying all night long for the whole hour downstairs my house inside his car.....I wished someone hug me like this as well when i cried last night but all i can hug is my boaster.....>.<" "I am so sorryyyy.....i really am.....I am so stupid and I am so so sorryyyyy to you" the night ended with hundreds and thousands of SORRYs.....
What is this suppose to mean? are we back together again? what is really our status right now? I don't get a single thing at all....but something inside me is telling that this might be a turning point....at least there is still hope for the relationship.....
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